This hurts.

There is a scene in Star Trek:Voyager where 7 of 9 displays an emotional response to the death of a futuristic borg drone, as he dies she says “Stop it, you are hurting me” -view here-

I spoke with my lawyer yesterday and his learned opinion is that going to court would be disasterous for me. Thus, in 7 days I will walk into a court room and agree to a plea agreement. I will be incarcerated. There are no more loopholes or ways to extend it.

Now, everytime I see my baby boy I think about the fact in a few days I will be unable to see him, to hear him, to kiss his booboo’s and make him feel better. Two months.. Three months… Two hours.. Two seconds.. Its far too long.

I will go away from my wife… My boys.. My life… Will the love I have given them be enough to last them?

Everytime I see my baby boy, My wife and kids, … It hurts me… Just like Seven of Nine.

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Pointless.. But maybe fun?

I’ve been watching Star Trek… All of them.. Enterprise, T:OS, T:NG, DS9, And Voyager..

To those trekkies out there.. I ask.. Who is your favorite Alien? For that matter who is your favorite Captain? Favorite ship? Share with me, I’ll share with you.

I know people… That’s not always a good thing for them.

There is an old saying.. “To know me, is to love me” but with me it is more accurate “To know me is to be annoyed.” A lot has happened the past few months, I am still dealing with the court stuff I have mentioned before. My wife isn’t working anymore and neither am I. This two bit town offers nothing in the way of gainful ( or any other type ) of employment. I would consider a work from home on the internet if I had something other than this trash lap top to use. I haven’t found any place that fits what I can do that is work from home. I did study IT in school, but as a coder I am .. Well… I am a hacker. I look at code, and attempt to figure out what is wrong with it, and fix it. I don’t code from scratch. The closest I have came is when I did the e107 theme for the Old Darkguild.org site. That’s been down for 10 years. It’s actually been at least 6 years since I last did any kind of coding work. So all this adds up to a pretty nasty financial situation.

So I have had to lean on friends a bit more than I would hope to recently. I don’t like it. I hate it. I hate asking people for things, I hate knowing that at any moment I could ask too much and lose people I consider friends forever. Don’t believe me? Even with my superhuman powers of sexual harassment, I have lost more friends due to money than to sexually explicit comments. Recently I had to ask a friend of mine from Highschool to help us out with some food for the house. Now to understand, this friend of mine is a shop foreman at a car dealership mechanic shop. His wife is a class act CPA. He works two jobs, she works. They have owned their own home for about 8 years, own their cars, and have no children, they CAN spare, and often they do. The problem is I know that I am so close to crossing the line with them, to reaching the point where I lose friends that have pretty much been the only ones to stand by me. Still, he did help with food, but I could tell he was frustrated.

I had to ask a new friend, someone that I consider a type of soulmate ( not in the romantic sense, but in the sense of kinship) if they could spare some money, and it really bothered me to do so, and I could tell it bothered them too. I can totally understand why. I put myself in that person’s place and thought to myself.. What if some guy I had never seen in person kept asking me for money? Would I be upset? Would I be worried? Would I wonder if I were being scammed? Sorry to say I have to answer yes to all those questions. So when I had to ask this dear friend of mine for money, I felt like I was going to break apart inside. I DON’T LIKE IT! See though, I allowed myself to cross that line. To do the deed, to ask the question. It’s something I shouldn’t do. It’s like my son. He knows if he gets scratched or cut we put a band-aid on it, and that has translated to him crying in agony for a band-aid whenever anything hurts. If he has a headache, he needs a band-aid, bumps a wall, band-aid, stubs a toe… you guessed it, BAND-AID!!! Once I know someone has the ability to aid, I will ultimately end up asking. I HATE IT! I do not want too, I just get to the point where I am in a dragged down rough spot, and I know that someone has the ability and so I ask. It is inappropriate, it is rude, and it is despicable.

So if you are reading this, if I ever ask you to help monetarily I need to say this:

IT IS IN YOUR BEST INTEREST TO SAY NO!
IT IS IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OUR FRIENDSHIP TO SAY NO!
I WILL NEVER GET ANGRY, UPSET, OR HAVE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS BECAUSE SOMEONE SAID NO!

It’s a funny thing, when you go to the national parks around the states, you see signs that say “Do not feed the animals” Why? When you feed a wild animal several things happen. The first is that it learns that it can get food if it simply begs for it. Second, it will start to look for other chances to beg, and this can cause quite a commotion. Third, it is just plain dangerous to you, and a wild animal for it to be approached and given something out of it’s normal diet. This leads me to say:
PLEASE DON’T FEED (AKA SEND MONEY) TO STORM. It’s never a good idea, hell, it’s never a good idea to send money to anyone over the internet, no matter what. Plus if you do it once, I will likely ask again and if you are enough of a friend to me to send money, I certainly don’t want to jeopardize our friendship by begging. It is bad, I am a horrible person.

Now I do plan to send the last money I asked the aforementioned friend for back as soon as my check comes in (sometime between the 1st and 3rd of May) it doesn’t stop the issue of the fact I could have went to far this time, and I never should have accepted any money from ANYONE in the first place. I am taking down the donation page linked to this blog. I do not want money (or anything else) from anyone else, and if it is there it is just begging to cause problems and I don’t want problems. At this moment, I hate myself, I wish I was a better human being, or at the very least I wish I could make a living off the things I am good at. I once thought I would be a writer and make money to live on, but I have realized that writing ( at least for me) is not something that I can expect to return a profit. Blogging counts as writing so, I obviously am not going to make any money doing that.

This is more of a journal thing anyway, and let’s face it. 20 subscribers, and I don’t really offer anyone anything. I suck at being a human. I suck at life. I don’t know, sometimes I just … ugh.

I’m sorry. In future posts I will try not to post about my finances, or any problems like that. Poverty is a terminal illness in the United States, and there is no cure. I may never get rid of it, but, I will have to learn to manage the symptoms without being a burden to others. If you are reading this, and I have already asked you for money, I am sorry. I shouldn’t have. If I ever do again, say no, it’s simply better. If I asked anyone reading this for money in the past week, I WON’T do it again. I honestly would never want to lose the few friends I have left, or anyone I have met the past year. I am sorry. Truly, truly, sorry.

Mystery blog award!

I was nominated for this award on my sons 4th birthday, by a dear friend and fellow Hellkat “Kalliope” Modern Mystic Mother (check her blog it is wonderous) I wouldn’t say I do a lot to deserve the award, I love to blog but sometimes my entries could be considered more of a microblog. (Mostly because I am forced to blog from my phone.) Either way I cant say how much I appreciate the nomination, or the fact that my blog is even read.

The Mystery Blogger Award was created by Okoto Oke Enigma – My Greatest Creation Yet: The Mystery Blogger Award

Three things about me:

1. I have always loved writing. When I was younger I wanted to be a famous poet, novelist or anything to do with writing.

2. Despite having what some would say is a high IQ, and a host of extra curricular activities in school. (Honours English, Junior State Congress, Football, Rotc, 4-h camp counselor, “National Leadership Forum” etc etc) I am a high school dropout and hopelessly poverty struck… ( No I did not make a career from writing…or any of my other talents)

3. I am a nerd, I watch Star Trek to fall asleep at night.

K’s Questions

  • Did your parents ever tell you about the day you were born? The day of my birth has not been discussed in great depth. My mother and father divorced before I was old enough to ask questions. They werent very forthcoming about the day of my birth.
  • What is your earliest memory? I remember the airplane ride home from Georgia when I was two and my mom left my dad. The pilot gave me a huge plastic toy plane.
  • Sometimes we have recurring dreams that demand our minds time, over several nights or weeks or lifetime. What is the most vivid (or significant) dream you can remember? I used to have dreams that weren’t exactly recurring. They were just contiuations. In particular I always dreamed I was in High School.
  • Face it, we’re all going to die. Do you think your obituary would be an honest representation of you and your life? Absolutely not. People will say nice things about me. People will come and pretend to care. Hardly anyone cares about me.
  • Would you rather be hated or forgotten? Why? To quote one of my favorite movies. “It’s better to burn out, than to fade away” I will go to my grave hated. That is a fact. Sadly I also realize I will be forgotten as well. Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust!

My nominees!

My 5 Questions:

  1. What is your favorite colour?
  2. What is your favorite genre of music?
  3. What inspires you?
  4. What 5 books are at the top of your favorites?
  5. (FUNNY AND/OR WEIRD) Visit my donation page, and leave a token? (ROFLOL)

My best post?

The Magnificent Hellkatz!

The Rules:

  1. Put the award logo/image on your blog
  2. List the rules!
  3. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog. –
  4. Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well
  5. Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
  6. You have to nominate 10 – 20 people
  7. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog
  8. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)
  9. Share a link to your best post(s)

Little things…

I do my best to refrain from being materialistic. I do my best to teach my son the same. Still sometimes I get rather annoyed. The two older boys get spoiled rotten on their birthdays. Hundreds of dollars spent by grand parents and others. Here Lil John is, turning four and we are in no financial shape to do anything for his birthday. Even a cake is out of our price range. Today we are told by the one grandparent he sees regularly that she will do nothing for his birthday. I feel like total shit. Sure he’s only four but just last month his brother was spoiled with two cakes, toys, ice cream etc… It’s annoying when the youngest has a different father than the oldest two and that father (me) is apparently a piece of shit.

The Magnificent HellKatz!!!

I don’t make a lot of happy posts, and when I do they are usually about my family. I have never mentioned why I like the internet so much.  You see I am intelligent, but usually hopelessly withdrawn and introverted.  Sure I have stood in a pulpit and brought a message but those were God’s messages not mine. I do not feel comfortable most of the time talking to, or meeting other people.  I do not have a lot of friends in this life.  I have a lot of people who know me, a lot of people who think they are my friends, but, not a lot of people I consider friends.

What’s worse, most of the people I consider friends I have never lain eyes upon. I met some in Tenaria, I met some on Myspace, some on AOL etc etc.  The fact is, I have three friends “IRL” as they say.  The term “IRL” rather annoys me.  Just because someone isn’t exactly in person does that mean they are not real?  Does it mean this thing we call the internet is fake?  Do friends I have who I have never lain eyes upon not actually exist?

I suppose it’s possible. There was that guy in England who had a whole chat room of people who were all him and drove that one kid to suicide ( or some such) so I guess all the people I know could be figments of mine, or someone else’s imagination. They don’t feel that way. They are real to me, and if that is a false reality then let me live it.

Thus comes the Magnificent HellKatz.  K.E.S.  I met the other HellKatz after joining wordpress, we hang out ( haha) in google hangouts, and K personally fed my family one month.  The HellKatz are there when I need to talk, our Leader K is an amazing mind, honestly I am quite sure she could give good old Uncle Charlie Manson a run for his money.  She is one amazing person.  Echo .. What is there to say about the Echo.  I have little met any who can spin a story as well as he.  You see these are my family too.  No, we don’t hang out at the local oak tree ( I live in the middle of nowhere what did you expect me to say?) but we do talk, and we are there for each other, and it is amazing that this … internet.. led me to these two great friends.

So to the other HellKatz…  Thank you for being there, it means the world to me.  To the internet that allowed us to meet ( and wordpress especially) Thank You! To all my loyal readers, if you see Echo and K comment here, I urge you to check out their wordpress they are amazing.

Sincerely

~DRK

P.S. HellKatz I love you!

April Fools!

I live in the South Eastern part of the United States of America. Here in the good old United States it is April First a day that we ‘Muricans like to call “April Fools day”  the idea is that you play small jokes on your friends in order to cause mirth and delight. Today was a day that I guess the world decided to play a trick on me.

On Friday, I received my disability check early. ( A rare occurrence to be sure.)  On Saturday , after paying bills we had just a little money left over and as we often do we decided to go see if we could find some cheap thing to enjoy at a local yard sale. So out we go, in our van to enjoy a yard sale. When we pull into the yard sale we are informed our tire is flat.  So I drop down the spare tire from under the van and guess what… It’s flat too.  What a great day.  ( Of course at this point we only have $7.00 left) So we end up buying a can of “Fix-A-Flat” which of course doesn’t work.  We limp home, no money left, with the tire completely flat.

Alas this morning I sold some stuff, and was able to come up with the money for a “New” used tire.  Using a friends air compressor I aired up the flat tire to where I thought it would be able to hold and get us to the tire place. We drive two minutes down the road… flat tire..  Air it back up.. two minutes down the road.. flat tire.  This goes on about three more times. Finally we pull over in the parking lot of a church and the tire is no more. It had ceased to be.

So there it is, life  ” Hey air this tire up and drive to get another”   me “ok” Life “HAHAHAHA APRIL FOOLS!!!!!”

Alas I did what any person would do when stuck on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere with their wife and child in the vehicle. I took my tire off, picked it up, and started walking the five or so miles I had left to the tire place. Let me tell you, it is no easy feat to carry a tire five miles down a back country, curvy road.  On the last leg a nice couple did pick me up and drive me the last 1,000 feet or so, and gave me a ride back. That was nice. A true blessing.  I did get the tire, and got it back on the car, and was able to make it home.

I wonder how much longer my life will be this way. Honestly, I have skills that can be used to make money and improve my family. Everyone knows I have a gift of language arts surely that could be used for something.  No, no I know.  Writers and poets are only famous after their death.  I could never be an English/Language arts teacher. ( No place would hire me for that. Not to mention that is not a year round job.)  I have many computer skills, I can build nice looking websites, and have webmastered a few times.  I know things about the internet and enjoy working on and for it. Still, no jobs there really.  My skills are more mental than physical, but of course I can do some physical labour ( Although I do abhor it) Also at this point I am just a few months away from likely jail time.

I don’t know, it seems right now that I end up dealing with April Fools day every day.   I guess this is just the way it is.

I hope you have all had a great April Fools day, and a wonderful month. Enjoy the rest of your day.

 

Sincerely

~Drk