Life..

A Psalm of Life
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 1807 – 1882

What the Heart of the Young Man Said to the Psalmist

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
“Life is but an empty dream!”
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.
Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
“Dust thou art, to dust returnest,”
Was not spoken of the soul.
Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Finds us farther than to-day.
Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.
In the world’s broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!
Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act,–act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o’erhead!
Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time;
Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o’er life’s solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.
Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing
Learn to labor and to wait

It would appear that I don’t exactly understand the meaning of this beautiful work.

You see I try my best to do all the things this poem talks about. When people are in need I reach out to help them. The problem is… Apparently that makes me prey. “Help my brother needs to borrow some tools” of course I get the toolbox back missing the lid and a good few tools and Im pretty sure I didn’t get my jumper cables back.

At the beginning of November I let 4 refugees come here. They had no where, “just until check day” …. You guessed it still here..

Had an opportunity to get a job, make extra money, invite everyone I know. The one person who does show up… Talks about me behind my back…. Steals my job…

Feed and house 11 people, ask one of them to let me buy food for EVERYONE with their foodstamps. Get lied to… Was told their stamps didn’t come, then they had to buy food for their aunts…(who they aren’t living with) that was a lie… They bought food for another house… SERIOUSLY?

Live forty years with no criminal history, treat police officers with respect even help them whenever possible… Defend my family from an angry woman bent on hitting our van…. SLAM! GO TO JAIL YOU WORTHLESS FUCK SCREW YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!

So there we have it. Add in a knee injury and surgery and what do you end up with? My fucking life.

What the fuck? How did I misunderstand? As a Christian I am told to ask and believe… Do right and God will reward me.

I try to follow the lines of this inspiring poem….

I try to be …good..

It would appear I misunderstand what good is……

Edit: Let’s not forget the “friend” who was sending me money via paypal for over a week….

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Cerulean sobs

It would appear that my feelings have seeped into tge very marrow of my everything. Not even my free time is sacred anymore. As I lay and pick gradient shades of colour to fill pregenerated lines, my mood peaks through. I can’t fathom, anymore, what it is to smile for longer than a few seconds. I look at my baby boy as he is now:

Angelic in his sleep, cuddled with his mother. My wife.. My beautiful wife:

Look how happy we once were. I thought I had been beaten down, broken by this world but I hadn’t yet. I still had passion. So much so that three weeks from that kiss we discovered her pregnancy. Now she lays untouched by me, not because of her but because I have no fire, no passion, only fear… Fear and the one thing I once swore I would live without… Regret.

I have none greater than thinking I had the right to defend my family. I do regret every sentence I have ever written online asking for or complaining about money. What must people think of me? Certainly no one can garner a good opinion of me.I am a failure. A felon. Soon to be incarcerated. I have let my family down. I am no provider. I will leave my boys and wife, and honestly, I’m not sure I can survive jail. I am not of that mindset. I am so frightened I will lose my family, or my mind, or both. My boys, my wife, and God are the most important things in the world to me. I can only take one of those into jail with me, and honestly I’m positive I have fallen completely out of favor weith God. Oh yes it can happen…..
Christ is become of no effect unto you, whosoever of you are justified by the law; ye are fallen from grace. Galatians 5:4 kjv.

So this is where I lay. Frightened, unable to communicate, bereft. …

It’s only the wind – Billy Dean

I remember as a child on a dark stormy night
I heard the screen door slam and I was overcome with fright
So afraid that someone bad was trying to get in 
And momma came to comfort me and said 
"It's only the wind, and nothing more
Not the end of the world knockin' at the door
So close your eyes and dream again
Believe me, It's only the wind"

Everytime I’ve had to face a bitter storm of life
Those words of comfort were my shelter in the night
But tonight I don’t believe I’m able to pretend
The storm that you and I are up against is only the wind

I can hear you downstairs and you’re just about to leave
There’s nothing else that I can do to keep you here with me, no
And now the screen door’s slammin’ and I’m frightened once again
What I wouldn’t give if I could be convinced

It’s only the wind, and nothing more
Not the end of the world walking out the door
I wish that I could dream again
Believin’ it’s only the wind
oh,nothing more, not the end of my world
Walking out the door
I wish that I could dream again
Believin’ it’s only the wind
Only the wind

I guess I curl into my cerulean sobs tonight and leave you all with this song as well….

Seasons in the sun- Terry Jacks

And this thought….

Usstan ssinssrin ulu el!

Darkness falls.

Here in Monroe County Tennessee every rule of law goes out the window. You see for 40 years I have been on the right side of the law. I made a huge mistake in June last year. A crazed woman threatened my wife and child and I took my knife out of its sheathe in order to defend them. This woman then decided to call the police and play victim. That line was bought hook line and sinker. I was taken to jail. I spent 2.5 days in what could only be described as hell. Bail was made, I’ve been out on bond. I do not have money to retain my own lawyer and must then be at the hands of a “public defender” of course in Monroe County, Tennessee the words public defender actually translates into “paid by the same people who pay the prosecution to get you to agree to a deal” after a few months of saying I wanted to fight this in court, my wife came with me today and the decision was made that I should take whatever deal is offered. So I WILL be going to jail. When and for how long remains to be seen but, despite the best Cheshire cat smile of my public defender, rest assured that I will do EVERY second that the District Attorney thinks I should do. I’m not sure where I will go when I get out nor how much I will have to fight to see my youngest son. I know my wife will not stick by me during my tenure in jail. She wont even stick by me to fight this in court. I will attempt to make a blog post letting everyone know when I will go in, that may not happen so just know if this blog goes silent for more than 7 days…. Just know I am incarcerated. I would ask prayer, but God has yet to answer any prayer in reguards to this. So I won’t.

Sincerely

~Drk

Et tus Brute…

In act 3 Scene 1 of Shakespeare’s play “The tragedy of Julius Ceasar” Ceasar utters these last words as he notices that his friend Brutus has joined in the conspiracy against him. “then fall Ceasar” he says and then dies.

It seems everyone in life has a moment that makes them feel as if they might relate to Ceasar. Do you really though? Do you know what it is like to know the pain of having a trusted friend turn on you?

I didn’t until really until today. I mean I’ve had people turn on me. That’s old news..

You see though, a real issue, usually only REALLY trusted people get close enough to hurt me. People I call a brother or sister. People I would trust with my family.

Today I believe I can truly understand the anquish behind Ceasar’s words. You see a few days ago I posted about the opportunity I was given to go work. I did go work. I had decided that I wouldn’t let anything stand in my way. Since October I have dealt with a terrible pain in my knee. (Will go into that in a bit or perhaps another post.) Not even that pain was enough to stop me. I pressed on no matter what. Not only did I run with my opportunity, I tried to help my friends. Sure it’s not a lot of money but anything is anything when you are broke. Today my only words are “Et Tus Brute`”

Above is my Brutus. His name is Tim Moses. Unfortunately the name Moses is a misnomer. This fellow I thought was a trusted friend. I was wrong. I learned today that this fellow went behind my back, to the owner of the store that gave me the opportunity and told said Store owner that he could just put a crew together and replace me if they wanted. This boy who already has made a big opportunity out of the one I offered him by being hired as THE pressure wash guy for the store. I’m not allowed to anymore because that’s his job.

Obviously I had no idea what I was doing…right???? Yeah, that’s me… Pressure washing on the day Mr.Moses called in because he had a toothache. A TOOTHACHE!!!!!! Next Friday I have scheduled my PRE SURGERY appointment for my torn mcl. My knee hurts all day everyday. .. Then this little boy who can’t work because of a toothache.. Who already got special treatment from the owner… Is going to just take this opportunity away from me?

Et Tus Timmy?

A new beginning.

A day or so ago I walked into a local convienance store to buy a drink. I saw a sign on the door that said “we’re hiring” half joking I said “I want the job!” I spoke to the store manager, then the store owner.

I was told this job was tips only. That I would be wiping down cars after they came out of the car wash.

I was unsure, they seemed unsure. The manager seemed unsure. I left unsure. Saturday (as it is technicly Monday here) I spoke with them again. I was told I may or may not get called Sunday. .. Again unsure. Sunday I walked in the Store to buy a drink and was waved over by the owner. He asked when I wanted to start. He actually asked if I could start that moment. I asked to go change clothes. He said ok, and I did.

I started my brand new job today. I get paid tips only, so I make or break myself. I always said if someone would just give me the chance I would work.

I want to better myself, I want to work. I pray this works out. I want to stop being in need.

I may have to start scheduling blogs. I will blog as much as possible.

Thank you for reading.

~Drk